June 6, 2019, my mother passed away. You see most of my life I hated her, but the last two years I had been her caregiver. During the first year she had help from other family members but during the second year it was just me and one of her friends. I always thought I was ready for her passing, but when it happened I learned I was far from ready.
The last year has been a whirlwind of events for me including a hospitalization where I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I never really thought all the stuff that has happened in my life with my mother had affected me until I was diagnosed. Now I am learning how to feel those emotions and losing her has made it even worse.
I was my mother’s only next of kin. She was not married and her other child was adopted by our grandmother when she was a small child. I am and have not been close to that side of my family most of my life. I had a few years here and there when I was close to them, but most of my life I have spent estranged from them. The coroner only wanted to talk to me. The funeral home only wanted to talk to me. I was not expecting to have to make decisions. But I made all of the decisions for my mother, alone.
Abandonment, alone! Those are two hard feelings for someone with bpd. All my life I have ignored my emotions, but the last eight months it has been about impossible to ignore my emotions. I always told myself to suck it up and get over it. Or I had the “faking it till I made it” mentality. So now I am learning to feel my emotions and face them. With God! I want to share this journey with you. It is not an easy one. But I pray you are able to find something to help you grow through this journey with me.