I Lost My Mom

June 6, 2019, my mother passed away.  You see most of my life I hated her, but the last two years I had been her caregiver.  During the first year she had help from other family members but during the second year it was just me and one of her friends.  I always thought I was ready for her passing, but when it happened I learned I was far from ready.

The last year has been a whirlwind of events for me including a hospitalization where I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  I never really thought all the stuff that has happened in my life with my mother had affected me until I was diagnosed.  Now I am learning how to feel those emotions and losing her has made it even worse.

I was my mother’s only next of kin.  She was not married and her other child was adopted by our grandmother when she was a small child.  I am and have not been close to that side of my family most of my life.  I had a few years here and there when I was close to them, but most of my life I have spent estranged from them.  The coroner only wanted to talk to me.  The funeral home only wanted to talk to me.  I was not expecting to have to make decisions.  But I made all of the decisions for my mother, alone.

Abandonment, alone!  Those are two hard feelings for someone with bpd.  All my life I have ignored my emotions, but the last eight months it has been about impossible to ignore my emotions.  I always told myself to suck it up and get over it.  Or I had the “faking it till I made it” mentality.  So now I am learning to feel my emotions and face them.  With God!  I want to share this journey with you.  It is not an easy one.  But I pray you are able to find something to help you grow through this journey with me.

4 thoughts on “I Lost My Mom

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